Yesterday I awoke feeling emotional and panicked, lost in thoughts of “what am I doing” and “does it really matter”. It didn’t feel black or dark; it just felt like sadness. It could have been winter blues, mid-life crisis, or existential questioning, but the label doesn’t actually matter. It just was.
Over the past few years I have become so much better with dealing with whatever comes up. I didn’t try to find the positive in the situation or tell myself to snap out of it. I just let myself be.
I journaled and worked through some of the thoughts as the tears streamed down my face. I went on my café clarity date with my coloured pens and blank pages as usual and lost myself in thoughts and ideas. I had a ginger and lemon tea to nourish and soothe me. I walked home and smiled at the sun reflecting off the cars. I cooked myself a wholesome lunch.
I was kind to myself. I didn’t put arduous expectations on what I would achieve or what I should feel. And as luck would have it, I had my inspiration group last night too – a wonderful group of beautiful women who let me be fully me.
Although I would love a life that always feels blissful and full of rainbows and unicorns, I know that to be false. There isn’t a need to look for the positive or look for the happiness, but rather we just need to BE. So on days like yesterday I know just to hold the emotion. Let whatever is to come and go and observe it, rather than try to “fix” it. To notice the emotion and look for the blessings. Yesterday, even in the sadness I felt blessed.
I am blessed to have such amazing people around me who support me and care for me.
I am blessed to have the luxury of thoughts of impact and making a difference, rather than having to spend my energy and time on pure survival.
I am blessed to feel the range of emotions, to be able appreciate the days of pure bliss that come.
I am blessed that so much of my life is living my bliss that these little hiccups are made more acutely aware.
I wouldn’t usually write about such things on this blog, but what I found interesting was that people commented that they appreciated that someone “like me” has down days too. That my positive, upbeat energy isn’t always as such. So I felt the need to share that one emotion isn’t good and the other bad. There isn’t an emotion we should be aiming for or a way to feel. We feel what we feel.
Today the sadness has somewhat subsided but I am still left with questions of how I want to make a difference and what is really important. But I do that with the full knowledge of how much support and love I have around me. I do so with kindness and love for myself. I do so knowing that the day of rainbows and unicorns will come again and I’ll relish in it when it does.